Mar 12 2015
It’s already March 2015! Whew – this year is flying by and I can’t believe it’s been 2 months since my dad passed away. It is really hard to think about him not being here. I start to cry whenever I do and I’ll be honest ~ I kind of just don’t think about it.
Grief is such an insidious thing that I just don’t really want to walk down its uneven path.
I’m not really in denial. I mean, I know my dad is dead. His house is cleared out and sold. Boxes of pictures and files are in my tiny garage waiting for me to finish going through them.
But he isn’t gone. Not really. I mean, his and my mom’s bedroom set is in my room. The bed both my parents slept on during their last days is in my son’s room. The wicker my mom chose for “her” room is in Myka’s & Missy’s rooms. My dad’s couch is in my living room and I’m currently sitting at my mom’s beloved roll-top desk. Everywhere I look, I see their things. Things that remind me of my parents and I feel them with me. Maybe that’s silly, but it’s how I am managing through this horrible time.
The year of firsts all over again. I remember the year after my mother died – and oh man it was so hard. One of the toughest years of my life. And I’m not looking forward to this new year of firsts.
The first 2 months are really just a blur. I was so focused on Myka that I even forgot my mom’s birthday this year. It was the first time that happened but I realized also that I no longer had someone to remind as I had reminded my dad of every birthday of my mom and sisters and brother and the grandchildren for 7 1/2 years.
Valentine’s Day also came and went with little thought. But truthfully the days that I made a point of calling Dad are coming up. Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, his birthday, that’s when I will think about the firsts.
I miss my dad every second of every day. It’s a pain that I don’t know if it will ever go away. After my mom died, it was painful for sure but I always knew I had my dad. It was my biggest fear that he would pass away someday. I was sure I’d fall apart. In a strange way, what happened with Myka took away that fear. And when I look at her today and see how lively and full of energy and LIFE she is, I can’t help but think of my dad.
Clinging to the Father’s hand,